 After watching Fernando Torres being kicked all over the park on Tuesday and missing an embarrassment of chances on Saturday, Rafa ‘The Beard’ Benitez demanded better protection for his boy, his baby boy, from officials.
“Players with quality must be given better protection by officials,” he said. It is not known whether he feels players of lesser quality deserve equal treatment, but the suspicion is heavily on the side of ‘no.’ Indeed, unofficial reports suggest Benitez is drawing up a new set of rules, soon to be presented to the FA for consideration. These include:
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When a player of superior ability has the ball, the opposition should stand back and applaud until said player a) scores, b) passes to a player of lesser ability, or c) theatrically falls to the ground and writhes.
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Should a player of superior ability fall to the ground and writhe, a free kick must automatically be given - unless it is in, around, or clearly outside the penalty area, when a penalty will be awarded.
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Should a player of superior ability commit a foolish mistake, such as give away possession, the referee should automatically blow for a foul in favour of said player, on the understanding that everyone in the ground knows he can normally perform the attempted manoeuvre in his sleep and to allow play to continue in the face of such a ridiculous aberration would be morally and ethically wrong.
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Should a player of superior ability commit a foul, the referee should ‘not see’ the incident, for the sake of all the kids in the crowd who would be traumatised to see their role model cautioned by some balding, middle aged man in black. The children, the children, won’t somebody think of the children?
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Should a player of superior ability be fouled, the transgressor should be arrested. Should Fernando Torres be fouled, the transgressor should be shot.
These rules are hoped to be in place before Liverpool’s trip to Bolton. If not, the kitman has been instructed to pack several pairs of shorts.
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