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 West Ham's turbulent season continues with the disciplining of Anton Ferdinand, who lied to the club in order to party.
Using the time honoured excuse that his nan was ill, Ferdinand pretended to be going to the Isle of Wight, but instead jetted to Columbia, South Carolina.
Now that the shock and pain of learning that a Premiership footballer can be just as dishonest as I was at school has dulled to an ache, it is Eat Football's duty to delve into this story and discover what lies behind the facts. Perhaps with our unique brand of insight, we can go some way to clearing Ferdinand's sullied name?
Several aspects of this story ring false to this reporter. First of all, why fly to South Carolina in order to party? Second of all, should one find oneself chained up, locked in the 'trunk' of a Ford Pick-Up and forcibly removed to South Carolina for a spot of revelry - why choose the city of Columbia?
A tourist website for Columbia lists these 'top attractions'.
1. Southern Hospitality. "One visit to the area and you'll discover a special feeling of grace and charm." Especially if you're black and play a game the local rednecks think is for gays. (Reports cannot be confirmed that Anton thought Grace and Charm were two local ladies of notoriety).
2. Affordability. "Columbia is full of things to see and do at a price you can afford." I'm sure this was a major attraction for Anton "£15,000 a week" Ferdinand, who will have had a special feeling of grace and charm at paying only $8.95 for admission to:
3. The EdVenture Children's Museum. "Columbia is home to the largest children's museum in the south." Surely a guaranteed barnstormer? Here, Anton enjoyed such delights as the 'World of Work' - from which he could be seen fleeing in horror - and 'the World's Largest Child', a 40 foot, 7.5 ton plastic model named Eddie.
While these attractions are perfect for what a separate website describes as a "great place ... for your golden retirement years," it's hard to imagine a Premiership footballer passing up the temptations of New York or San Francisco for the debaucheries of Columbia's 'Riverbanks Zoo and Botanical Garden.' Any reasonable, logical mind would conclude that a deeper secret lies behind Ferdinand's aberrant behaviour. And reasonably, logically, there can be only one explanation.
Anton Ferdinand is a secret agent in the employ of SIS. He was sent to Columbia in order to infiltrate a terrorist ring, masterminded by students at the University of South Carolina, who seek to place President Bush on the British throne as King George the W.
However, if this is not enough evidence for your sceptical mind, Eat Football has gathered conclusive proof, as seen below.
1. Anton Ferdinand's nickname at West Ham is 'Lips.' An amusing reference to the size of his mouth? No, it's a clever acronym for - Lips Is Probably a Spy.
2. SIS officers deal in "covert and secret" intelligence. Anton Ferdinand's intelligence is so "covert and secret" there is no evidence it even exists!
3. SIS is called upon to "promote and defend UK national interests." And which position does Anton Ferdinand play for West Ham? That's right - defender. Coincidence? I think not!
4. Being an undercover spy would explain why he's not very good at playing football.
And so it is conclusive. Anton Ferdinand is a spy. I hereby call on the nation to applaud this young hero and patriot, and to demand he be absolved of all blame and given a knighthood immediately.
Thank you and good night.
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