*** WARNING: The following article features real-life quotes from Ashley Cole, and scenes that may upset younger Eat Nonsense readers ***

Why God, Why? 

September 11^th 2006 will always be remembered as the day that the entire world paused to remember one of the largest humanitarian travesties of modern history. 

Cultural, religious and ideological divides were effortlessly bridged as millions upon millions of people fell silent in sympathy and shock, after the revelation that Ashley Cole was offered only £55,000 per week to continue playing at Arsenal FC. 

The true horror of the situation started to become apparent at around 07:00GMT as UK newsagents began laying out copies of The Times, featuring extracts of Tiny Ashley's revelations. 

Distressed citizens read, stunned, as the quotes described how Arsenal "did jack-shit" to retain his loyalty; grown men wept openly on the tough streets of Glasgow to read how he "put his heart and soul into the club"; and Prime Minister Tony Blair immediately called for a special UN resolution as little Ashley detailed how his former club then "took the piss" by offering him only £55,000 per week. 

Word spread quickly across the globe and at 12:00GMT the entire world fell into a 55 minute-long spontaneous silence in sympathy with the millions lost by Ashley. 

"This is the most disgraceful abuse and disregard of human rights that we the world have ever witnessed," read a joint statement from all the world's leaders.

"How can a man like poor little Ashley, with a pop-star wife to support, be expected to live on £2.86m per year." 

The US is expected to detail plans later today that will see the start of a 28-month sustained bombing campaign on the Emirates Stadium. 

By Ken Wasp

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