Magic Trees
Snatching the bag of fish heads, he instantly began thrusting them into his malformed mouth, it was all we could do not to throw up watching this disgusting display.  After Peter had finished his horror snack and we had bought a couple dozen magic trees from the disused garage, we demanded to know what the hell was going on.  Furtively glancing around, Beardo then handed us a manila folder, claiming it contained damning evidence that would reveal Peter Crouch’s true robot identity.

Beardsley then tried to leave, but we had the child locks on.  Beardo found himself trapped inside a car full of questions and a world that demanded answers.  Where did this evidence come from?  How had he got hold of it?  Why was he giving it to us? 

At first he appeared to refuse to answer our questions saying only “hmmm hmm nah mnnh”.  Slowly, we realised he was actually answering our questions, just not very well.

We got onto the phone immediately and called Dave, a long term Liverpool fan, in the hope that after years of watching post match interviews of the incomprehensible Mr. Beardsley he could help us decipher what was being said through all that fish spittle. 

Fortunately Dave didn’t let us down:
 
“Well ya see’ lads”  Beardsley Spat, “The reason I’ve been able to rob these top secret Cyberdine documents is 'cause... I... Peter Beardsley am… A machine”.

What!?
Peter then went on to explain that he had recently gone into the Cyberdine Offices for his usual monthly oil-check only to be told by the Cyberdine big wigs that they no longer needed his services.  As it turns out, it seems Beardo (codename PETER-B), was to be superseded by PETER-C, the next generation in Performance Enhanced Turf Entertainment Robot machine men.

Pub Bench
Apparently, the first PETER robot to be put into service by Cyberdine was an abject failure.  PETER-A, or Peter Andrews as he was known to his mates, never progressed much further than a spot on the bench for his local pub team.  It was later revealed that this was mostly due to PETER-A’s inability to turn right.

Learning from their mistakes, Cyberdine boffs launched a new PETER model and... PETER-B - or Peter Beardsley as the human-world now know him - was born...

Beardsley Binned
Although PETER-B proved to be an outstanding success in nearly all aspects of Turf Entertainment, it was decided that he wasn't very good in the air, and so Cyberdine went on to develop PETER-C, or Peter Crouch as he is known to his England teammates.  Following recent friendly match performances for England, PETER-C has been deemed a phenomenal success, and the order for PETER-B to be binned was given.
 
Even though Beardo is a machine - an ugly machine - he does have feelings, and they were hurt by what he was hearing.  And so, with the news of his demise, he vowed to blow the horn on his creators. 

Utilising his uncanny turn of pace, Beardo dropped his shoulder and left security for dead as he made his way to the secret document wing of the Cyberdine offices, where he was able to steal the secret document we now have in our hands: